Have you got the F Factor?


September 22, 2013 by Sian Rowland

Dermot: (gruff and overexcited) welcome to a special of the F Factor, the show where our judges decide who is to be the next big thing in freelancing. First up before the judges is Siân Rowland, a freelancer from South London.

SR:  Hi everyone. I’m very nervous (little girl voice) but also oh so kooky and quirky. Look I’m wearing a hat. I’m all alternative.

Sharon: Don’t be nervous, Mrs. I’m a mum and I hate to see anyone nervous.

Gary: (bored already) Right, when you’re ready.

SR: Being a successful freelancer is my dream.  It’s all I’ve ever wanted to be. If I can’t do this I don’t know what I’ll do. I’m prepared to give it at least 1327.9999 recurring %. It could be my last chance.

Gary: Bingo! Sorry. Just got a full house of cheesy phrases. Have you finished?

SR: Well I haven’t started…

Gary: Good. Let’s vote. Louis?

Louis: I think you could be the next Michael Boo-blay.

SR: But I’m not a man.

Louis: The next SuBo?

SR: Steady on.

Louis: The next quite impressive freelancer with a portfolio career?

SR: I’ll take that.

Louis: Well it’s a yes from me but what the heck do I know?

Gary: Nicole?

Nicole: Oh my god, shamazing. Totes amazeballs.  I’m in tears over here but very cute tears that don’t make my mascara run or my nose red. Bee-yodiful.

SR: Really? thank you so much, Nicole.

Nicole: What? No, I just caught sight of my face in the monitor. Who are you?

Sharon: I love you. Look I’m smiling in a caring mumsy sort of way only you can’t tell because my face doesn’t move. Give me a hug. But don’t squeeze too hard, I’m held together with stitches and tit-tape.

Gary: Well it’s a no from me.

SR: Wait! Give me another chance! I can do something different, I’ll work harder I promise. It’s my dream! It could be my last chance!

Gary: Go on then.

SR: I’d like to talk to you about the importance of PSHE and how to position it at the heart of the curriculum… (an hour later)…a spiral curriculum that starts in nursery and… (another hour later)…knowledge, skills, understanding and attitudes which… (yet another hour later)… as much chance as Michael Gove winning a Mr Handsome Personality contest.

Nicole: OMG, so bee-yoodiful.

SR: Me?

Nicole: What? no, I just caught sight of my abs in the monitor. Who are you again?

Sharon: As a mum, I’d like to say that was very moving. Look I’m trying to weep.

Louis: You’re like a young David Cameron.

SR: Oh god.

Gary: Let’s vote.

Nicole: It’s a yes from me.

Louis: And me.

Sharon: As a mum it’s a yes from me, Mrs.

Gary: And it’s a yes from me too if you’ll just bugger off. See you at Freelance boot camp.

SR: Thank you for this chance. I won’t let you down I promise, I’ll work so hard.

Gary: Bingo! I win.



2 thoughts on “Have you got the F Factor?

  1. The sad thing is you could be out voted in the final in favour of a dancing dog….precocious 10 year old….Whoops wrong show….
    I know what it is..you’re on your own….Tell you what, are you prepared to team up with some people you’ve just been introduced to who are malleable enough to fit into a Gove shaped mould. 😉 x

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